INTJ's are not known for placing a lot of emphasis on romance. We embody the suppression of emotion, not the expression of it. We can be so matter-of-fact and hard-headed that it's difficult to imagine us doing something as frivolous as falling in love. At the same time, we want a relationship. We know that we're pretty darned outstanding as relationship material, just too awkward to play the dating game. Is there a way around this conundrum? Here are some tips to help the socially-challenged INTJ navigate the turbulent waters of romance, whatever the status of their relationship.
INTJs inhabit a world that resembles Downton Abbey - cold on the outside, but there's always something spicy percolating beneath. Problem is, we have not yet developed any sort of vocabulary to describe what's going on in our hearts. It's not cheap for us to love someone, and we're often fearful of attaching value to mere "feelings" in case they turn out to be fleeting. Most INTJs won't admit to caring for someone until they are completely sure it's genuine. By then our feelings are so obvious to us that we don't think they're worth mentioning.
This lack of vocabulary can make other people feel incredibly insecure. Affectionate words go a long way for many, especially Feelers, who need verbal encouragement to feel good about the relationship.
So grit your teeth and whisper those sweet nothings if you want your partner to know that you care. The old adage, "show, don't tell," is crucial to nailing romance. You might think that chivalry is demeaning, but your date or partner requires action that comes from the heart. You don't have to drape your cloak over a puddle, but a little hand-holding, cheek kissing or breakfast in bed can make all the difference.
INTJs are the least likely of all the personality types to remember sentimental events such as birthdays and holidays because we don't see the point of these traditions. As we are repeatedly shot down, we come to recognize that celebrations are, in fact, relevant to the rest of the world.
So for goodness sake, remember your anniversary. And book a table on Valentine's Day. INTJs notoriously approach dating the way they approach most situations - with a game plan. Rather than falling head over heels for the nearest warm body, we construct a well-defined image of our ideal partner, break the dating process down into a series of actionable milestones, then proceed to execute the plan with laser-sharp focus.
Strategy in place, we're ready to woo. Shockingly, other people may not fall in line with this system. Partners and dates want to know they are attractive, respected and loved for who they are without all the wrangling, controlling and mind games. Painful as it is, you've got to play with the other person, not manipulate them like pawns on a chessboard.
INTJs famously require a mate of the mind - someone clever, preferably genius, and independent enough to stand up to the INTJ's formidable intellect. Most INTJs will figure out very quickly whether someone makes the grade. If not, the INTJ will waste no time on further courtship. We are through with the interloper. We will not look back. To make a fair assessment, an INTJ typically will bombard their date with the "big" questions.
And by big, I mean the sort of complex, probing, no-stone-left-unturned questions you get asked at an interview. We think we are nailing down our date's personality and suitability this way.
In fact, we're killing the buzz 90 percent of the time. Ask your date what kind of music they like movies, books, food.
Everyone has an opinion on these subjects. Your date won't feel stressed talking about their favorite meal, intj dating tips. If your date is a poor conversationalist or displays terribly bad taste, cut your losses. But if the conversation naturally veers off at a tangent and throws up all sorts of delicious morsels, then you've probably struck gold.
And you didn't even ask your date about their life goals. INTJ's score high on the Judging scale, which means they like to have things decided. However, this only occurs when we've made up our minds. Until then, we are flexible and open to new information. This is a problem, because we have a tendency to spend a ridiculous amount of time studying the ins and outs of relationships - knotty issues like our feelings, whether the flames of passion are burning, and the significance of it all.
Intimacy can burn rather slowly until we've sorted everything out. By then, the object of our affection will have lost interest. So hurry it up already. In a cautious world, seizing the moment is undeniably romantic and sexy.
If you want to destroy romance, be sure to think of yourself as smarter, more intuitive, more conscientious, more rational and more important than your date. Cross examine them and challenge their assumptions. Always strive to be right, even if it crushes your significant other. Don't worry about the personal cost of your attitude, and never give anyone a break.
INTJs are known for plain-speaking. We say what's on our minds. We are blunt and unrelenting critics. We tell our partners where they've gone wrong and we fix false assumptions. Who cares about the touchy-feely stuff? We like the truth. A little constructive criticism is healthy in a relationship, but too much can be very damaging. You'll upset and alienate your beloved if you consistently point out their shortcomings.
If the romance is new, constant nitpicking is extremely annoying and unattractive. So curb the sarcasm and offer up compliments if you want them to fall into your arms. Flowers, intj dating tips, giggling, flirtation and frilly things that look pretty on the dresser are romantic.
It's safe to say that an INTJ did not make this rule. For the rest of the world, the non-practical stuff is half the fun of a relationship.
Luckily, you are intuitive when it comes to the people you care about. You are skilled at designing romantic getaways and thoughtful gifts that are somehow quirky, yet exactly what the other person wants to receive.
Just don't bother with the flirting. Your partner will think that you're constipated. You change the oil in your car because you don't take its smooth running for granted. Neither should you take your date or partner for granted. All relationships need regular servicing and care. Take advantage of the special position you occupy and enjoy adding pleasure to your significant other's life. Even if they don't reciprocate, your life will be so much richer with all that lovely romance swooshing round.
How has romance fuelled the flames in your relationship? Intj dating tips free to share any successes or horror stories in the comments below! Jayne is a freelance copywriter, business writing blogger and the blog editor here at Truity.
One part word nerd, two parts skeptic, she helps writing-challenged clients discover the amazing power of words on a page. Find Jayne at White Rose Copywriting. Thanks for the great article, Jayne. The more I learn about my INTJ personality type, the more I wonder how I ever attracted a wife in the first place, let alone kept her for over 37 years so far. Unfortunately, I am about as romantic as a cactus and continually struggle in that area.
It only recently lol dating site to me that being more kind, sensitive, intj dating tips, and loving are so difficult because such things go against my very nature. As a wife of an INTJ- I can tell you, we notice how difficult it is and we appreciate your efforts even more: I can totally relate!
I'm one of the rare INTJ women of this world. And growing up I can remember being highly extroverted and feeling. But after hitting puberty I guess that's when I really came into my true personality type. Time passed and I came to accept it, using it to my advantage to study others and to learn about the different behaviors of other people.
I was single when my true personality type was revealed. As of yesterday that has intj dating tips and I'm finding myself worried that I won't be able to be the warm girlfriend that my beau deserves. How an extroverted, feeling, man like him ever started having feelings for me completely blows my mind. I will say the grand adventures that we've already had have been incredible, so spontaneous yet somewhat thought out.
He's my best friend, and deep down I feel for him. After reading this article I know that it's okay if I don't respond right away, but that I need to come out of my shell and live life without magic formulas. I don't want to come across as pretending to feel, because that would be dishonoring.
Cognitive functions test - a test that calculates your most likely type based on function usage and developmental states. Function order - a helpful list of each type and their functional stack. Type frequency - a graph showcasing the general rarity of each type. Confirming your type - a useful article on pitfalls to avoid when typing yourself.
Dating as an INTJ woman self. As is probably typical with INTJs, I have a great career, and am generally happy in life, but I totally suck at dating. I'm in my 30s and have had a handful of short relationships, but nothing that's ever felt meaningful to me. I think it's a combo of too-high intelligence standards and feeling like the games and flirting that inevitably come with meeting someone new are a bit foolish.
I'm the type of person who would love to fast-forward to the watching-TV-in-sweatpants-and-having-deep-conversations-on-the-couch phase, but it's so hard to get to that point without turning someone off in the process. I feel like I go out with guys and have a hard time with the BS flirty smalltalk of dating, and talking about "real" things makes me a girl-next-door friend rather than a romantic prospect.
Frankly, romance baffles me, and chivalry makes me uncomfortable. I'm decently attractive and don't really have a problem finding a guy to sleep with, if I feel like it , but trying to be "sexy" or girly and coquettish has always felt like a ridiculous act. I feel like this most of the time: That's not really true though. I mean, for a fling or a one night stand, maybe, but not for a LTR or a marriage. If you can't have a meaningful conversation with someone, being in a relationship with them is hell.
Some people seriously just care about companionship in a long term relationship. It sounds weird to us INTJ types, but it's really not uncommon. I mean, even INTJ guys just don't want to date girls that they deem smarter than them or something. No, you're totally right in your observation. The "noble" INTJ guys just don't want to acknowledge that there are men who share any similar label to themselves that would also specifically choose to date a woman because she doesn't challenge their intelligence.
You don't have to hem down your statement by saying "not ALL INTJs" because it's enough for it to be pretty fucking gross and worth mentioning. I would actually prefer to date someone smarter than me. Going on OKC I know they exist but they're practically all on the east or west coast. Fuck my dating life in a rural area. I rather be single for a few years than date women that like mind numbing crap like Duck Dynasty and have no interest in intellectual pursuits. I try to explain this to others but it's akin to someone trying to explain quantum electrodynamics to a toddler in a foreign tongue.
Grass is always greener. I live in LA and all the smart chicks also have like 8 careers and school, so they have no time to date. No fucking way in hell would I date someone that likes reality TV. There is no grass here whatsoever. Minneapolis and Chicago are probably the two closest places for a decently sized dating pool which is a long way away from here.
Also, I have friends in LA that would set me up with said career minded women. I don't want kids and prefer to be with women that are focused on their careers. Sex is a major part of the sort of companionship we're talking about, though, and sex with a puppy probably wouldn't be very satisfying.
The best advice which isn't really advice at all for the INTJ woman is this: Being an INTJ woman in the dating field sucks after you've finished your education, because it's the number one place where you're likeliest to find a like-minded person who is also decently attractive.
Every man I met that I actively and excitedly had a crush on which was bizarre because we're usually as excited as a wet pool noodle I met either through my program or just before entering my program. I don't want to suggest that men who don't attend university "aren't smart enough" to date an INTJ woman, but men in university just seem to want to talk about things of interest more on those first and second dates than men who skipped university and either went into an applied college or the work force.
Just based on personal human experiences and what intrigues them most. Plus, you get to skip all of that "What do you do? Which makes sense to most people - the whole "once you're done with school, you get to stop using your brain" mentality plagues nearly everyone who is becoming an adult. Men who don't see you as an intellectual colleague will assume that you as a woman want to talk about those boring little date conversation starter topics. Those topics are really vital to a lot of people's dating lives - it's like their litmus test for a potential "sit on the couch with me in my underwear" partner.
But they don't have to be a part of your dating experience. If you're already out of the educational system, try and find something like it - look for potential mates in educationally-charged situations, like groups, clubs, and other associations who still make it their priority to learn as they get older and cut through the BS of life. I'm long since out of college and am well into my career which I love , but it's a great idea to seek out intellectual types elsewhere.
I've pretty much stuck to online dating, which has yielded mediocre results so far. Either I meet guys who turn me on but are boring, or, more often, guys who are really smart but do nothing for me physically. I've always been overinvolved in a lot of activities and clubs, but they're mostly in the arts I do live in NYC, though, which has plenty of smart men - maybe it's a matter of making myself go to more events like museum lectures or even bar trivia nights.
It's that old "I" in the INTJ that likes to stand in my way - I have to keep reminding myself that holing up at home isn't going to help my dating life.
The struggle is real. As a male INTJ, first of all you sound amazing Sometimes you just have to be 'brave' and be a little more 'E' extroverted initially to put yourself in situations where you could find someone that suits you. Plus you said you are smart and attractive You'll figure it out. Its a common misconception that introverts can't be outgoing, they and I can be, its just very taxing and after a period of time, we need to crawl away and recharge. I've done presentations in front of an audience of hundreds, to fortune 50 executives and can be "the life of the party" socially if its needed..
I just have to rest and recuperate afterwards. If we were extroverts, this would charge us, make us feel better and more alive. I do a lot of public speaking at my job, and have no trouble getting along with people and making new friends.
I just need that alone down time at the end of the day. I think you're right that the big thing standing in my way is simply putting myself out there to meet people. I don't have any social anxiety, it's more an exhaustion issue. My job can get stressful, and I go to the gym most days after work, so after all of that I'm just done and need to go home and unwind by myself. It's hard to prioritize going out when I feel like my life is already full.
Which I think is more of what I meant by wanting to be in the couch phase Getting dressed up and made up to go out and impress someone is a whole different kind of energy.
And thanks for the flattery - actually helps a lot. I'm trying to figure out the same things, where to find interesting people. Why won't they just label themselves with something. Yellow bands for singles. Anyway, I've stumbled upon a few posts made by more outgoing types and it seems they have the same problem, except they take every chance they can, they talk to everyone, consequently increasing the probability of meeting the right person.
Obviously, their energy level doesn't suffer from this, but it's something that, I think, I might have to trade in.
I don't think this situation is exclusive to women. We confront the world as a team, and we look out for each other and take care of each other. So I suspect I'm just the person you're looking for although there are more of me out there. Interestingly, I have never dated. I've been in two relationships, and the first was in high school.
The second is my husband. My husband is someone I never would have ended up in a relationship with if I had met him the "normal" way. We met in an MSN chat room back when those still existed. I say we never would have ended up in a relationship because he's very socially developed, comes from a completely different cultural background he's hispanic and catholic and many of his friends are black which is an entire culture of its own down in the states.
He swears, and didn't do as well in school as I did. When he's talking to some groups of his friends he's just got such a different relationship with them that I can't understand at all; different language, different jokes.
I think that because of these different relationships we have with different people, meeting people in person can be hard. Both people are trying to discern what "type" of person they're dealing with, and perceptions become something different than what they could be.
If I'd met my husband first in person, he might have seen me as snooty, or he might have made fun of me and I might have gotten offended. I might have thought he doesn't care enough about school and learning, or that his sense of humour is annoying. Because I met my husband first online, it was easy and natural to talk about whatever we wanted to talk about. We came to appreciate each others' forthrightness through anonymity, and kept that once we met in person.
I think in terms of criteria, it's important to look at your reasons for criteria. You say you have high intelligence standards, and I wonder why? If it's about wanting to be able to have a certain type of conversation I'd say that's legitimate, but what level of intelligence is really required for that?
And if you loved someone for other reasons, wouldn't you be fine with explaining things, if they had enough interest and sincerity to listen and try? It is absolutely important to have -respect- for your partner. I guess I just think you don't have to respect someone for being just like you.
I respect my husband's work ethic, and his sincerity in all his dealings with me and others, and his ability to follow through with things.
But please leave this INTJ alone. INTJs need a ridiculous amount of alone time — possibly more than any other type. And alone time for us means time with no distractions. If you have an INTJ relationship, all you need is some Whether you are an INTJ or dating one *or even Easy dating advice for introverts – 19 tips and. Sara Booth, INTJ, daughter of an INTJ, sister of an INTJ -- with an F spouse and an F kid! Answered Sep 20, · Author has k answers and m answer views I’m not a great person to ask, because I was very bad at dating.
Dunce Consider dating people just to get experience dating. The more people you date, get to know a little, and reject for reasons the better you will be at recognizing someone you can spend the rest of your life with. This is the same advice I'd . Here are five important dating tips to remember. DegreeMatch. Get Matched With The Perfect Degree For You. 5 5 Relationship Tips for INTJ Personality Types.